Though Garak may pass at any time, it's nighttime when we are the most worried. We try to take turns between sleeping and watching him closely. Early Sunday morning, his breathing was very low and his heartbeat was in the fifties. His hands were cold, and his lips were white. We thought it was near time. While the house still slept, we went into the backyard and sat together on the porch bench with a blanket. Garak always found calm outside. It would make for a beautiful moment if Garak passed away listening to the birds with a little breeze. Being outside would also curb his four year old brother Kyler's concern that Garak can't get to heaven if the ceiling is in the way. We watched the sunrise hit the west hills, and watched the birds do their thing.
We watched Garak's sucking-motions slow, his eyes were moving around slowly but erratically. His mom whispered, thanking him for staying so long, thanking him for letting her get the photos she wanted. She whispered that is was alright, telling him he could go now. His eyes stopped moving and they stared straight up. I kept staring, but his mom started a new cry. For thirty seconds it seemed he was no longer there. Then the dork started that sucking a pacifier gesture again. For the rest of the day, he seemed strong. His heart rate and oxygen saturation were about normal. We don't know why he stays, he has given us all the love he could give, and he has hopefully accepted all the love we gave to him. He served us well, all the while he suffered. He needs go and find peace.
I think he must be truly content for the first time in a long time. Hopefully completely out of pain and laying, comforted, in his parents arms. That little spirit will hang on to that as long as he can. I can't imagine how painful this is for both of you as he keeps you guessing. I hope you are having moments of peace and comfort, even through the heartache of it all.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet picture of your little guys. I think he has enjoyed his time here with you all a little longer. He must be so torn on what to do, but he appears to be content. You are in each of our prayers. My kids ask me each morning about Garak. We are all concerned for each of you, and pray that you will feel the presence of peace in your home now and in the time to come.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you got your family picture. I'm so happy for him that he gets to pass from this life at home with his family. I wish for your whole family peace and comfort through all of this. I'm sure your spirits are all stronger because of the time you've spent with his.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you. What an amazing and beautiful little boy he is and how blessed to have you for his family. May you be sustained and blessed with comfort and peace.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your very personal and spiritual experiences with us. I can only imagine how strong Garak's little spirit is right now as he is preparing to go back home. What a life changing experience for you and your children. You have a wonderful family!
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